Nautical Jokes

[Matt]

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q: If you have two people in a boat slapping at each other with the oars, what is it called?
( Answer ) Rowed Rage

Q: Why do opera singers make good sailors?
(Answer ): Because they can handle high seas. (high C's)

Q: What happens when Red and Blue boats collide?...
( Answer ): They become marooned... !

Q: How much does it cost for a pirate to pierce his ears?
( Answer ): A Buccaneer!!!

Q: Where do you take a sick boat?
( Answer ): To the dock.

Q: What is a shark's favorite game?
( Answer ): Swallow the leader!

Q: Why didn't the sailors play cards?
( Answer ): The Captain was always standing on the deck!

Q: How may jerks on a line does it take to catch a fish from a boat?
(Answer): Two... one on each end of the line.

Q: Why does the pirate where a black eye patch?
(Answer): His white formal one is at the cleaners.

Q: Have you heard about the new Hollywood movie about pirates?
(Answer): It’s rated AAARRRRRGGG

Q) What did Captain Hook die of?
(Answer ): Jock itch!

Q) What do you call a fish without an eye?
( Answer ): Fsh!

Q) What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
( Answer ): A nervous wreck!

Q) Why are seagulls, called seagulls?
(Answer ): Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!

Q) Where do spooks and ghosts like to sail?
( Answer ) Lake Erie!

Q) Who does a ghost report an emergency to?
( Answer ) The Ghost Guard!

Q) Why do skeletons sail alone?
( Answer ) They have no-body to sail with!

Hope you enjoyed those.

Matt x

[ishtar]

Hey Matt, if you ever apply for a position with 'crewseeker' don't tell them about your jokes, keep them to yourself.












;D


Vince is doing the jokes for the North Wales trip. I can't wait!

[ishtar]

Matt, I think I found one as bad as yours:

Two fishermen were out on the water when one of them dropped his wallet.

As they watched the wallet float down to the depths , a carp came along and snatched up the wallet.

Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."


This does make me laugh:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zW8oA2AEio

[Sui]

I always liked this one, esp. relevant to those who may find themselves on the Irish Sea:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5onkl2EHV4

[ishtar]

Paschall, I believe that was an actual incident, though I think it happened off Canada.
Have a look at 'The front fell off' as well, on that Youtube page, if you've not seen it.

See you tonight.

[Matt]

here are some more crackers:

There were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and, mistaking him for John stated,
"I'm sorry for your loss, you must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about the boat said, "HECK NO! Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. She was all shriveled up and she smelled like old, dead fish. She was losing water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. She just couldn't handle life any longer. I'll just have to find me a better one. I'm glad to be rid of her. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. That's when the old woman fainted!
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One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world at a depth of 20 feet. He noticed a guy at the same depth but he had on no SCUBA gear! The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him. The diver went below 25 feet more, and once again, the guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out his board and marker, and wrote, "How are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?" The guy grabbed the board, quickly erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"
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A guest, on a private sailboat on a compass heading to the Bahamas, had to hit the head. Excusing themselves they left the main cabin. Shortly after, a sudden squall hit the ship. A giant freak wave rolled over the vessel and, with a stress breach in the hull, the boat began taking on water! Just short of sinking and with his guests and crew in the lifeboat, the captain realized someone was missing. Working his way towards the aft cabins and fighting the onslaught of water rushing in, he broke open the door to the head. There stood the missing guest. Shaken and confused they looked at the captain and said, "I don't understand, all I did was pull the handle!"